This is something I’ve been thinking a lot about. Especially in lieu of the seemingly recent surge of weddings, (although I believe a lot of us only notice it now because we have reached ” that age”).

Marriage is a wonderful thing. We all know it is serious and that it is important. But there are still numerous ways in which we trivialise the institution. I had a conversation with a gifted intelligent young lady recently that brought the whole thing back to the fore of my mind. I’m going to talk as a woman because I can’t speak for the men. Here are a few things that may be useful to remember:

1. Stop making it a me thing: Actually I think this is the only point I need to make. We are so selfish in this day and age. One of the most challenging things is to be in a relationship with a single person’s mindset. We never see ourselves as the problem in the relationship and we love to play the blame game. Humility is necessary in a marriage and selflessness. By all means, know your worth and what you deserve; but failing to right your own wrongs and commend your partner’s rights may be a win for your ego but fouls for your team. You can’t win a game by yourself with your best mates on the bench. Their best interests are just as much yours look out for them.

2. Clean your lens and focus: We have a skewed perception that marriage is for me, and as long as I have a lovely wedding, beautiful selfies and cute statuses my marriage life is exemplary. Nothing could be further from the truth. By prioritising these things we start looking for the most superficial qualities in a partner. Is he taller than me? Good looking enough for photos? Will he buy me things? While these may be perks, they are not the core. A glowing social media with #goals is not a worthy exchange if it comes with a chaotic, unstable home. Perhaps some people rewrite vows, omitting for richer for poorer because they know they will run when cash runs low. We must be aware that it pleases God to bring man and woman into triangular communication with Him. One that requires loving without the butterflies, enduring in pain, being patient in hardship, kind in lack, understanding in folly. Daily dying to flesh to please Him, thereby pleasing our spouses. Marriage is more about putting your hand to the plough together than the glitz, glamour and trending photos.

3. Stop Compromising: So we’ve been single for three years, our biological clocks are ticking, we’re 23 but family members keep asking about the grandkids and treating us like forty year old cat ladies. We need out of the single boat but everyone around us is just not meeting the cut. We’re being accused of being unrealistically picky and doomed to loneliness.

We meet somebody, he’s available, not about to make you a step parent, goes to church once in a while and has no trace of illegal indulgences. Well he should do. Just because he has barely missed the flames of hell does not mean he is yours. We have a terrible habit of looking for a good man that’s not our good man. It is important for a woman who keenly recognises her purpose to know that she is not going to build that rose garden by seeding a desert. There must be a symbiosis where each causes the other to grow.

Without growth death is inevitable. Until we recognise the sacredness of our destinies we will keep unequally yoking with people who believe the same God but are retarding our progress by going in the opposite direction. He may bring things to the table that are poison to us but life to someone else. Finding a man is not the end all of life. Better to stay hungry for an hour and get a good meal than to knowingly scarf down undercooked food, fulfill your hunger now and get food poisoning. Some of us have gone terribly wrong and escaped unscathed with powerful lessons to share. But usually prevention is still better than cure. Do not waste your and another person’s time by clinging to a badly made decision. Wait. Take guidance and counsel, don’t ignore red flags, make careful deliberation. You want something that will last don’t neglect building Rome because Chinatown is quick and easy.

More points to come at some later date.. cuz I talk way too much but hang in there ladies. You have more support than you know.

-CiCi